I hate Valentine's Day

I have no problem admitting it. I hate Valentine's Day. Had my haircut today and my hairstylist and I were discussing the whole being single on Valentine's Day thing. He said that it makes people who are single feel even more alone. Yep, it does. So, that ate on me all day. When I went grocery shopping, I bought cake. 4 slices of cake. grrrr. The cake part was good, but the frosting was nasty. I ate the cake -- all 4 slices, but tried to not eat the frosting. It worked out because the cake would pull away from the frosting. However, I still didn't need to be eating cake. I kept myself from buying ice cream. That was hard.

What was I feeling? I was feeling "poor me" because I don't have anyone that thinks I'm special. Meaning a male person. Then, I remind myself I don't want a male person in my life and I'm mad at myself for feeling bad that I don't have someone in my life. AHHHHH! I guess I also felt like I deserved something sweet because it was Valentine's Day. I have no idea what it's doing to my BG. I didn't take my fasting BG this morning, so I have no idea where I started.

On the other hand, I did buy good food for this week. I looked through one of my diabetic cookbooks and picked out a couple of recipes to try. We'll see how it goes.

I'm frustrated still -- maybe embarrassed is better -- that I'm diabetic. I hate that I have to be careful and that I have to eat and that I have to take drugs. I guess all those years of bingeing(?) and then not eating really toasted me. Food has always been my worst enemy and my best friend. However, it's like that saying goes "with friends like that, who needs enemies".

I'm high

No, not high like drugs high. High as in my BG is high. Ugh. Not obnoxiously so, but still high. Doesn't seem like I can get it straightened out. I've been doing pretty well with not eating sweets. When I go to Chick-Fil-A, I so badly want a brownie, but I choose not to have one. It's not so hard, because I know I feel crappy when I have sugar.

I now need to concentrate on not eating fried foods. That doesn't help my BG at all either. Typically, fried foods are high in carbs too -- simple carbs that turn to sugar quickly and up my BG.

I need to learn how to cook. I've bought several diabetic cookbooks.

About the fear that I spoke about in the last entry, I've found that I have a gargantuan amount of it. I'm totally shocked at how fearful I am of so many things. Leaving my house is one of them. I hate leaving my house, particularly at night. It stems from coming home from work as a teenager after walking home (just over a mile) at night and there not being anyone in the house and the house being dark. I remember being scared and having to nearly physically push down the fear inside myself. It was creepy to go home to any empty, dark house. It was creepy walking home after 9:00 pm too. Even getting off at 6:00 pm in the winter was creepy -- and cold. I would just turn the fear of coming home inside and bury it. Sugar seemed to help me put a sealant on the top of the fear to try to keep it inside and buried, away from my consciousness.

Now that I'm trying to stay away from sugar, the fear doesn't have anything to keep it from pushing to the surface and forcing my consciousness to face it for the first time in 30 years. Amazing.

Fear

So, yes. On Monday I bought some groceries. Mostly good groceries, but a few not so good. This week I received two diabetes magazines. One from the ADA (American Diabetes Association) and one from Better Homes and Gardens -- anything to make a buck. Actually, I was quite impressed with both magazines. My sister (also a Big D'er) used to get the one from the ADA, but it depressed her too much and she gave up the subscription. I'll see how it goes.

I've realized something this week. I am embarrassed to have diabetes. My dad -- whom, if you keep reading my blog you will find out was not nice -- always said "you eat that and you'll get diabetes!" Of course in my head, it's an annoying, scratchy voice. I was so rebellious toward him that I ate it and 6 more of whatever it was that he was fussing about me eating. It didn't matter whether it was a cucumber or a candy bar. He ragged me about food constantly. I hated that. Hated it. I never lived up to his expectations. My feelings about food and my feelings about my dad are wound up together so tightly, it's hard to peel the two apart.

It was once said that if it weren't for God, I would have spontaneously combusted when I was a kid. Too much stress, too much drama, too much ugliness going on in my family. But, there was food -- particularly sweets and most particularly ice cream. Sweets helped me face the craziness that was going on around me. And within me.

I no longer can eat even a little bit of sweets because it sends my BG (blood glucose) soaring. I do and then REALLY regret it. I really can't binge on them like I used to. Consequently, I'm coming to the realization that some of the feelings that were buried for a very long time are back again. One of them being fear -- fear of going outside. I can go outside. I go to work and shoppping, etc. But, I can't make myself just go outside and putz around in my yard. I'm afraid of being looked at and made fun of. I don't particularly go out at night, unless I have to for a meeting or whatever. I do any shopping or running around in the daylight. Not that something bad couldn't happen in the daylight, but I think it's from years of coming home in the dark to an empty house and having to shove down my fears. I was supposed to be an adult -- or at least act that way at 14/15/16/17 -- and younger. Our house didn't have air conditioning, so I had to leave the windows open at night. I was so scared. My own house has air conditioning and an alarm, which I set every night. I realize I'm still scared to be alone. I've wondered if I got a big dog if I would feel safer. I love german shepherds. I grew up with one. He was my best buddy. He got very sick and had to be put down when we were both 12. :-(

Anyway, I'm surprised at how fearful I am. Something to talk to counselor about.

I have diabetes

The big D. Diabetes. I can't begin to tell you how much I detest having diabetes. I'm a sweet-freak. Diabetes has shot a huge hole in my life. I've used sweets for many years ... since I was a little girl to help me through rough times. I've had some serious rough times. Consequently, I've had my share of sweets to relieve the stress. Now, diabetes is taking away... rather, has taken away my stress reliever. Oh, I know. Exercise is a great stress reliever. Whatever. That's skinny-people's stress reliever. Yep, I'm also a non-skinny person. Actually, morbidly, discustingly, horrifically obese is what I am. So, get off my fat behind and exercise. Make it my new stress reliever. Yeah, what if I don't want to. I want to eat. I'm being true. I don't want to exercise. There's also the other thing... I'm clinically depressed. On medication for it, which I haven't taken in weeks. So, I'm REALLY depressed and VERY cranky. Almost to the point of not liking myself. So, take your medicine you say. I don't want to do that either. Gosh, I'm ornery. I don't want to do anything other than lay on the floor and throw a temper tantrum! Not fair, not fair, not fair.

So, back to diabetes. Yes, I can have some sweets... 1 tsp of sugar a day. If my blood sugar is under control. Guess what? Not under control. I feel like all of my life is out of control. Something that folks may not know about diabetes is that if your suger is high, your mind is foggy. I hate that. My mind used to be clear. I used to be smart. Now, I feel like a bumbling idiot. It's hard to figure out food on the "diabetic diet". And "diet" is not the right term. It truly is a lifestyle change. White anything is a bad thing. White bread, white sugar, white buns, white rice, etc., etc., etc. This isn't so hard because I don't really like white stuff, except that I have a tendency not to cook and so I get food from whatever food joint is on the way home. I'm determined to learn to cook. I've bought diabetic cookbooks. Everything looks wonderful. I'm just scared to try. This is embarrassing, but I literally have poisoned myself in the past. Pretty sad.

Maybe tomorrow night I'll go grocery shopping.