Fear

So, yes. On Monday I bought some groceries. Mostly good groceries, but a few not so good. This week I received two diabetes magazines. One from the ADA (American Diabetes Association) and one from Better Homes and Gardens -- anything to make a buck. Actually, I was quite impressed with both magazines. My sister (also a Big D'er) used to get the one from the ADA, but it depressed her too much and she gave up the subscription. I'll see how it goes.

I've realized something this week. I am embarrassed to have diabetes. My dad -- whom, if you keep reading my blog you will find out was not nice -- always said "you eat that and you'll get diabetes!" Of course in my head, it's an annoying, scratchy voice. I was so rebellious toward him that I ate it and 6 more of whatever it was that he was fussing about me eating. It didn't matter whether it was a cucumber or a candy bar. He ragged me about food constantly. I hated that. Hated it. I never lived up to his expectations. My feelings about food and my feelings about my dad are wound up together so tightly, it's hard to peel the two apart.

It was once said that if it weren't for God, I would have spontaneously combusted when I was a kid. Too much stress, too much drama, too much ugliness going on in my family. But, there was food -- particularly sweets and most particularly ice cream. Sweets helped me face the craziness that was going on around me. And within me.

I no longer can eat even a little bit of sweets because it sends my BG (blood glucose) soaring. I do and then REALLY regret it. I really can't binge on them like I used to. Consequently, I'm coming to the realization that some of the feelings that were buried for a very long time are back again. One of them being fear -- fear of going outside. I can go outside. I go to work and shoppping, etc. But, I can't make myself just go outside and putz around in my yard. I'm afraid of being looked at and made fun of. I don't particularly go out at night, unless I have to for a meeting or whatever. I do any shopping or running around in the daylight. Not that something bad couldn't happen in the daylight, but I think it's from years of coming home in the dark to an empty house and having to shove down my fears. I was supposed to be an adult -- or at least act that way at 14/15/16/17 -- and younger. Our house didn't have air conditioning, so I had to leave the windows open at night. I was so scared. My own house has air conditioning and an alarm, which I set every night. I realize I'm still scared to be alone. I've wondered if I got a big dog if I would feel safer. I love german shepherds. I grew up with one. He was my best buddy. He got very sick and had to be put down when we were both 12. :-(

Anyway, I'm surprised at how fearful I am. Something to talk to counselor about.